The field of social neuroscience has grown dramatically since Louis Cozolino's book, The Neuroscience of Human Relationships. Research suggests people who have more social support have better mental health, cardiovascular health, immunological functioning, and cognitive performance. Humans are social creatures with a strong desire to connect deeply with one another, love and be loved, and understand and accept. However, conflict in our relationships is common. The feelings of bitterness, resentment, fear, and anger can sap our desire to connect in loving ways, resulting in damaged and broken relationships. We all seek love and acceptance in our most important relationships, but it is not always easy to find. Everyone has an unloving side and a stubborn way of doing things. We all have mixed feelings when we interact with others; it is just a fact of life. Finding love and acceptance is often a challenging task.
My relationships are constructed on a constant stream of demands, likes and dislikes, personal memories, and conditioning. My self-serving personality desires more pleasure and less pain. It tends to prefer to go its own way instead of following someone else's. It seeks fulfilment through appetite, control, social position, and accomplishment. True intimacy and connection require that we know ourselves as individuals. The paradox is that the more grounded and centred we are in our own inner sense of self, the better partners, and friends we will become.
As we become more aware of our true worth, we become less willing to tolerate people, circumstances, and situations in our lives that do not reflect our worth and self-respect. What we say yes to and no to is determined by our boundaries. When we can communicate a clear and clean “No” without bitterness or negativity, we are demonstrating a high level of self-worth. As we become more self-respecting and set new boundaries, people who feel entitled to a place in our life can protest or object. Unconsciously, they will try to instil a feeling of guilt or obligation, and they may even call us ungrateful or selfish for maintaining our borders.
Shame is a toxic emotion instilled in us since childhood, which makes us feel less certain of ourselves, less powerful, and thus more compliant with other people's wishes. We can recover from the toxic shame that we may experience in childhood when we establish strong and healthy borders. Setting boundaries affirms our sovereignty as individuals with the power and right to define who we are and who we will or will not allow into the sacred space of ourselves.
We may begin to feel angry or disgusted when we continue saying yes to things that would be better addressed by a no. It may seem like other people are using us or are expecting us to give too much. This resentment will arise because we are unaware that we have contributed to our excessively busy schedule. When we realise, we are to blame, we become enraged with ourselves for allowing it to happen. Whatever our perceptions are, the net effect is that we are stressed and resentful of our circumstances. This can cause us to shut down and become estranged from the people in our lives. Constantly saying yes has the potential to harm the relationships we were hoping to strengthen.
A common misunderstanding about personal boundaries is that keeping everyone in your life at arm's length equates to having strong, healthy boundaries, and that if you want to be happy, you cannot let others in. This is not entirely accurate. In fact, having proper boundaries allows us to have close relationships that are respectful of everyone's needs. They make it possible for us to be both independent and interdependent.
An important step in developing healthy boundaries is learning that no outer person can provide the inner safety that you need. The time for being reliant is only in early childhood and that time is over. It may appear frightening at first, but it becomes easier and more empowering over time. With time, we begin to attract a growing number of people who are willing to respect our new, healthy boundaries. Those who refuse to do so will move away from our lives.
Comentários